So, picture this: I’m mid-argument with someone I really care about. Things are getting heated, and instead of being vulnerable like a mature adult, I suddenly turn into… a lawyer. Not a real one, obviously, but the kind of lawyer who twists every word, over-analyzes every sentence, and comes armed with evidence from 2017 (okay perhaps realistically 2020 because that is when we got together). You can practically hear my mental closing statement.

That was the moment it hit me “oh, damn. This is not “logic.” This is a defence mechanism strutting around in a power suit”.

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My “Aha” Moment

Defence mechanisms are sneaky. They show up in the middle of everyday conversations and trick you into thinking you’re just “standing your ground” or “being rational.” But the truth? You’re dodging feelings like Kabir in Kabir Singh (drowning in the grief of losing Preeti, iykyk)

That day, I finally realized:

• I wasn’t “debating,” I was deflecting.
• I wasn’t “staying calm,” I was numbing out.
• And I wasn’t “letting things go,” I was shoving them under a rug that already looks like a bumpy mountain.

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The Wild Part

Once you see your defence mechanisms in action, you can’t unsee them. Suddenly, you catch yourself making jokes when you’re uncomfortable, going silent when you’re angry, or oversharing just to avoid real intimacy. It’s like watching your brain pull magic tricks you didn’t even know you signed up for.

The thing is, defence mechanisms aren’t villains. They’re like weird little bodyguards your younger self hired to keep you safe. The problem is, they don’t realize you’ve grown up now. They’re still standing at the door yelling, “DON’T LET ANYONE IN, IT’S DANGEROUS!” even when the guest is just love, kindness, or honest communication.

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The Takeaway

That first moment of recognizing my own defences was equal parts embarrassing and freeing, I am still figuring how to make it work without them. To not be as loud, to sit with my tears sometimes, to stick around instead of running away. Embarrassing because, wow, I really argue like I am in court. Freeing because, finally, I can start laughing at my patterns instead of being trapped in them, and actively work to get over them.

So, if you’ve ever found yourself cracking jokes at your own heartbreak, ghosting someone you actually like, or mentally writing closing arguments instead of saying “you hurt me”… congratulations. You just spotted your defense mechanisms, too.

And trust me, once you name them, you start gaining the power to re-train them.

~Mallika ❤